I walked down the aisle in my bargain of a dress and then tucked it away in the back of a closet. Out of sight, out of mind.

Memories of it did not resurface until years and years later. Standing with other women singing “Prone to Wander” towards the end of a conference, my heart felt burdened with shame over my own propensity to wander from the God I love. As I begged Him to forgive me with tears coursing down my cheeks, we sang a line about being Jesus’ bride. I cannot remember the exact words or if they were even part of the same song. I just remember feeling like I did not deserve to wear a gown of white – me and my adulterous heart.

Deep within, I felt the Lord whisper, “Why do you do that? Why do you keep taking off the dress I gave you?”

I immediately pictured myself shrugging off a pure white wedding gown, feelings of unworthiness and shame telling me I would be more appropriately attired as a harlot. But the Lord was telling me to put it back on. That the dress was mine. Bought and paid for. By Him.

“I delight greatly in the LORD;

   my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

   and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

   and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

Isaiah 61:10

And that is when I remembered my wedding dress – my wedding dress with a stain on it. And I realized I had brought that stained mentality into my walk with the Lord. When I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, I carried the shame of a lot of sin. Even though I had surrendered my heart to Jesus during premarital counseling, I still felt the weight of not being able to present myself as a pure gift to my husband. I had yet to fully accept the Lord’s forgiveness, to believe He had indeed made me clean.

“For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” 2 Corinthians 5:21 NKJV

My heart breaks for that young bride. And for the me that walked too many years covered in shame. I needed to slip back on my wedding gown. Not the one hanging at the back of my closet, but mentally adorning myself in what Jesus said is mine – a robe of righteousness, bought for me not off of a clearance rack, but paid for with the high price of His life.

I am His bride, and I get to wear white.

God is the same way.  He deliberately pursues me.  When I choose to hide, for fear of being seen, He draws near to me, and His love chases me down.  He is relentless in His pursuit of me.

Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.   (Psalm 23:6 – Message)

In my day-to-day world, all I ever seem to focus on are the unfinished tasks and unmet expectations.  I mean, aren’t I suppose to keep the house running, neat and organized and make sure my children behave in an orderly fashion?  And while my shortcomings and missteps are on display for all to see, there is something deep inside of me that screams, “I just want to be seen”!  “I want someone to notice me”!  I am not talking about the me that is the housewife, mom, maid,  taxi-driver, organizer or menu planner.  I want the real me to be seen.  That woman that God created me to be.  After giving the majority of myself to a full-time job, then coming home to try to accomplish those things that I have to do in order to keep the house functioning, I long for encouragement.  I long for acknowledgment.  I long to be seen.

Who is this woman?  Underneath piles of laundry, unwashed dishes in the sink, toys strewn about the house, cracker crumbs on the floor and the constant state of disorganization, how could anyone truly see me underneath all of this chaos?

But God sees me.

Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”  (Genesis 16:13 NLT)

He is the God who sees me.  Not for what I do, but for who I truly am.

His child.

One who stands redeemed and forgiven.

The apple of His eye.

His friend.

One who walks free and whole before Him.

Chosen.

I can almost picture the Father, coming to uncover the “real me” amongst the piles of failures I bury myself under.  He wants to play.  And I want to hide.  There are so many things left undone.  So many words that did not come out right.  So many failures.  Yes, I am going to run and hide and bury myself underneath my faults.  But then He comes, and I hear Him say,

“Peek-A-Boo, I see you!”

And He gently removes the piles of failures that I bury myself under, and there He uncovers the “real me”.  The One that He loves.

How about you?  Do you struggle to be seen?  Not for what you do, but for who you truly are?  Will you rest in His love today?  His pursuit of you is unending.  He is the God who sees you.

Although life seems routine and ordinary to me, God wants to make it extraordinary.  I think I’ve been doing the same thing day in and day out for so long, that It’s hard to see tomorrow through the eyes of expectation and hope.  I already know what to expect.  But am I willing to believe that even doing laundry can be extraordinary if God breathes life on it?

God is always breathing, always speaking.  And He wants to come and breathe new life into me.  I often forget that.  And I forget to breathe.  Instead, I settle for the stale air from yesterday, allowing my hope and peace to be replaced with exhaustion, frustration and defeat.

Breathing is necessary for living.  And just as God breathed life into Adam, He desires to breathe life into me every day.

“then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature”.  (Genesis 2:7)

I want to carry His breath inside of me every moment of every day.  I breathe Him in through His Word and through spending time in His presence.  But I don’t take the time to stop and take cleansing breaths, inhaling Jesus and exhaling the cares of this world.  And sometimes I hold my breath, allowing contamination to build up in my spirit.

It’s only when I remember to breathe Him in that my anxious thoughts fall away.

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.  (Psalm 94:19)

How about you?  Are you remembering to stop and breathe Him in today?  Why don’t you take a moment right now and try it.  You will feel so much better!

Funerals made me catch my breath, hollowness in my soul, eyes dry and staring, unable to wrap my mind around the impossible forever of what-comes-next? Unable to understand how someone could ever be ready to die.

My very nature cringes at imperfections. My palms sometimes sweat icy when I realize something is out of my control. When I realize there is something wrong and I can’t fix it.

This holiday season I realized the seriousness of my fear when my throat was getting tight at the sight of burnt out Christmas lights. “They’re dead,” I whisper to my son. Then plaintively — “they’re broken, finished, I can’t fix them”. Stop pointing them out, please. 

Imperfection. Inability to control the future.

It makes me clench fists and furrow brow. I don’t want to see this tragedy of sin anymore. I wish to God that we lived in a perfect world without burnt out lights and rebellious teens. But we’re here. On an imperfect, sin-infused planet. And it’s time we remembered the Christ Child and the saving story of grace. I don’t want to continue to live in these shackles of fear.

Fear is saying no thank you to Perfection. Fear is saying no thank you to incredible sacrifice. Fear is saying no thank you to the Ultimate Gift.

But, perfect love casts out all fear.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18 NIV

And as Rick Warren says, “The greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose.”

Love says thank you to the Perfect One. Love says thank you for His sacrifice. Love accepts the gift.

Really — what could be more freeing than the realization that my life is in His hands? The rebellious teen — in God’s hands. The mini light bulbs that I’m feverishly twisting, searching for a loose connection — in God’s hands. Literally. I can stop gripping things so tightly. I can stop worrying and fretting.

I can stop being afraid.

And life, with fists unclenched, breaths freedom and moves full of possibilities.

Thank you for freedom to live. Thank You.

“What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand”

lyrics from “In Christ Alone”

It is during these times of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, that I sometimes slip into the trap of negative self-talk. I mentally “beat myself up.” Thoughts like “If I just had more self discipline, then I could get everything done. Am I even called to speak or to write in the first place? Will anything I say or write make a difference anyway? Am I the best person for this? Surely there is someone better qualified than me. What about these kids and husband you’ve given me, Lord, they deserve better. I should do so much more for them than I am doing.”

Sometimes I grumble and complain about all the things I have to do. I lament to God (and my husband) “I can’t do it. I don’t have the time. I don’t have the patience. I don’t have the ability. I don’t have the energy.”

When I finally get to the end of myself, I ask for God’s help. I am reminded that this is the secret to being able to fulfill all of these roles in the first place, not depending on myself, but depending on Him, our Creator and Sustainer.

The roles I play are gifts from God, and I am to fulfill them faithfully.

Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 4:7-11)

I am called to be clear-minded and self-controlled, so I can pray. I am called to love extravagantly and not grumble or complain. When I speak, it is to be the Words of God, not the negative words of self. And when I serve in any area, it is to be with the strength God provides…not my own. The only ability I have to provide is my availability. Everything I do should be for His praise and not for my own.

When I remember these things, my perspective changes. I feel relief, renewal, and refreshment. I am no longer paralyzed but move forward with confidence in all the roles I play knowing I am faithfully administering God’s grace – the same grace given to me every moment of every day by the One who has all of the power and deserves all of the glory forever.

As a child of God, I want to be a Godly mother, but as a human, I’m a sinful being. With my flaws and insecurities, I’ve been wondering…what do I want my daughter to learn as she watches me?

I want her…

To learn forgiveness – to see me ask for forgiveness and to forgive others, just as God forgives me.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13 NIV)

To learn to trust – to see me trust God, even when life seems out of control and I don’t understand what’s going on.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5 NLT)

To learn to be in God’s Word – to see me read and study my Bible and spend time alone with God in prayer.

…be an example to the believers with your words, your actions, your love, your faith, and your pure life. (1 Timothy 4:12 NCV)

To know without a doubt how much God loves her and that nothing will separate her from His love – to know it’s a promise found in Scripture and to believe it’s meant for her.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39 NLT)

To learn to live by faith – to see me turn to God in everything, to have faith in the hope and promise that Jesus brings, and that I don’t have to see it to believe it.

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1 NLT)

As a mother, I want my daughter to know that no one is perfect, especially not me. I rely daily on God, and anything I can do, I do because He gives me the strength and ability to do it. God does the same for her. As she grows up, she will discover her strengths and weaknesses and I pray that she learns to turn to Him in everything.

“Alright, ladies. You know what we have to do in the morning. I don’t want any crying or complaining from any of you. It is time to get this done.”

My husband looked around the dinner table at the four of us. My daughters and I sat there a little dumbfounded, wondering what horrible thing we were going to have to do the next morning. I laughed when it hit me. The Christmas decorations had to come down.

Now, I am sure some of you may think the no crying or complaining part was intended for my daughters. Not so. My husband was addressing me – the lover of Christmas decorations. The woman who will put him off for as long as possible to keep the tree up just one more day, pretty please with red and green sprinkles on top.

I crossed my heart and promised to be a good girl about un-decorating our house, but as I boxed up the ornaments and candles, I asked him if we could leave one decoration out a little while longer. I felt a tug not to pack our Nativity scene up quite yet.

I got to thinking about how we spend Christmas reflecting on the precious gift of love that came down from Heaven to Earth. The sacrificial gift of love born of a virgin and placed in a manger. And we ourselves go around loving sacrificially all through the month of December. We give of our time. We give of our money. We give gifts and love to those we know and even to those we don’t. We joyfully give, give, give, give, give.

But what about come January? If we take a good, hard, honest look at our lives, how generous are we the rest of the year? How freely do we give of our time, our resources, ourselves? Do we let the spirit of sacrificial love and giving follow us into the New Year or do we box it up in Rubbermaid tubs and throw it in the attic with the rest of the Christmas stuff?

My Nativity scene is staying out a little longer this year to remind me to be careful. Careful that, as I head into the New Year, I don’t pack up Jesus. Not the resin babe I love setting out on top of my piano, but the Jesus that resides inside of me. The Jesus who put me first. The Jesus who gave until it cost Him His life. The Jesus who is supposed to come pouring out of me daily – not just one month a year.

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 2:4-5

Christ’s attitude? It was and is one of giving. As we un-decorate our homes, may we be careful not to un-decorate our hearts. A generous heart, a heart like the Savior’s, is beautiful all year long.

One hand rested on her belly as the other hand pushed the buttons on the machine.

As I finished in line and passed her on my way out, I was struck by the hope I saw in her eyes as she bought those tickets. And I could just picture what she was thinking…

I hope I win… It would mean better times for me and my baby. Things would be easier. Life would be great.

I could imagine how a winning ticket would ease the worries and uncertainties that come with preparing to take on the responsibility of a new life. I could see the excitement and anticipation that was going on inside her head as she picked her numbers. And while I don’t really know what the woman’s financial situation was or what a winning lottery ticket would mean to her, I do know the hope I saw on her face.

Because we all have that hope for our future, and for the future of our kids. We all imagine and want the best for our families. We long for it. We chase after it (in different ways). We are seekers–sometimes of money or success, sometimes of approval, sometimes of attention, sometimes of something else.

Because we were created to long for something more.

We were created to long for God.

While a streak of good luck might make our lives easier or more exciting for a while, only God can take the anticipation, longing, and hope we have in our hearts and truly meet our desires. Only He can fill that God-shaped hole within us that nothing else can fill–not even a million dollar winning lottery ticket.

We can put our faith in things other than God–people, our own abilities, finances–and I think it’s safe to say we’ve all done that before.

But the problem is, those things can disappoint.

And, while believing in God and putting our faith in Him doesn’t mean life will always be peachy and easy (because it won’t), His love doesn’t disappoint.

It fills and covers and strenghtens and builds.

It calms and restores and heals and soothes.

It comforts and lifts and satisfies and refreshes.

Even in the midst of life’s biggest storms.

God loves each of us unconditionally, regardless of who we are, where we come from, what we’ve done or haven’t done. He loves us so much that He sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for us. And he longs for us to know that–to believe that, to accept that, to understand that… so we can truly live the adventure He created us for…

full, free, and forgiven.

Now that’s something to put our faith in for the New Year,

and for the rest of our lives.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. – Hebrews 11:1

What about you? What have you been putting your faith in? Let 2012 be the year that you believe and experience God’s unconditional, amazing love.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  (James 1:17)

Perhaps 2011 has been a hard year for you.  I know so many who have lost loved ones, whose children have been diagnosed with life-threatening illnesses, and others who are struggling just to keep their marriages alive.  I understand seasons of heartache.  But God, the One who is the same yesterday, today and forever, He does not change.  Even when life seems to fall apart, when it takes everything out of you just to breathe, when you want to crawl under a rock and say, “I quit”, He does not change.  His steadfast love for you remains the same.

If you have struggled this year my friend, will you look up today?  Will you look into the eyes of hope?  For hope is wrapped up in the babe that was born in the most humbleness of fashion.  He whose life we just celebrated, He is the giver of hope.  And just because we pack away the things that mean Christmas to us, it does not mean that we lose the hope of what Christmas is.  For that hope remains fully alive in our hearts.  For God sent His son, that we might fully live.

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.  (John 10:10b ESV)

God’s desire for you in the coming year is to live an abundant life.  To live a life filled with hope and promise.  Perhaps this year you have not seen the revelation of hope and promise in your life.  Perhaps you find yourself walking through the wilderness, grasping for hope.  Do you believe that He wants to prosper you, in all your ways?  He has already begun a new work, and He promises to make a path for you through the wilderness and to give you not just water, but rivers, overflowing with His goodness. He is faithful to finish what He started.

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.  (Isaiah 43:19)

I challenge you to walk forward my friend.  Take the hand of the One who will never leave you, the One who loves you the most, the One who desires that you live an abundant, joy-filled life and walk.  Maybe you can’t walk right now.  If not, then reach up your arms and allow Him to pick you up and carry you.  Perhaps you will only find the strength to lean, but you can lean on Him.  Before you know it, you will be walking, closing the door on 2011, and embracing all of the hope and promise that awaits you in 2012.

“And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.”  (Luke 2:12)

He is wrapped up in light.

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Because He came, we have the ability to walk in the light.  Even though we may be surrounded by circumstances that can appear cloudy and dark at times, He is the light of life.  He calls us to walk in the light, as He is in the light.

Thank you Jesus, for coming, so that I can walk in the light.

He is wrapped up in truth.

So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”   (John 8:31-32)

Jesus, the Living Word, came to earth to bring truth to our hearts.  He promises that if we abide in His Word, we will know truth and the truth will set us free.

Thank you, Jesus, for setting me free by the truth of Your Word.

He is wrapped up in love.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

For God so loved…..that He gave.  What kind of love is this?  What kind of love would move the heart of the God of the universe to come down to earth, taking on human flesh, leaving the security of His Father’s kingdom behind.  When I think of His love, it overwhelms me every time.

Jesus, thank you for coming.  Thank you God for loving me so much that you would do this for me.

I pray that you are overwhelmed by the light of His truth and love this Christmas!

Merry Christmas!