Fourteen years earlier we stood on separate aisles of Target – me with crossed arms and him wondering if we would ever make it. With scanner gun in hand, I stared at the rows of salt and pepper shakers. Wooden? How could I possibly season my food with wooden salt and pepper shakers?

As Alan and I registered for our upcoming wedding, we hadn’t anticipated the sometimes-uneven start of zipping two lives together. After dating six years, we were more than ready to marry. I’d dreamed of this very event since our high school trigonometry class where we met and fell in love. We passed notes back and forth with doodles and flirts. But not one of those notes mentioned his family’s preference for wooden salt and pepper shakers. Wood!

While dark brown wood shakers marched across Alan’s family’s table, my family had glass shakers dance from plate to plate. Unable to make compromises, we stood at an impasse.

I couldn’t understand why it was so important to him anyway, and he was sure I was bull-headed. Wasn’t it the girl’s job to pick out all the home goods? Finally, he suggested we move on to a different section of the store to scan in our wish list.

I complied and followed him through the linens and towels stomping my feet inside. He’d point out something, and I’d aim the scanner gun and pull the trigger with as much attitude as I could muster. I would scan the things he selected, but he was going to understand I wasn’t happy. Not. One. Bit.

After meandering through several more aisles, Alan turned to me and said, “Fine. We can have glass shakers if it makes you happy.” My joyous skipping toward the kitchen aisle had him grinning.

It was then we both knew we would make it.

In time, I did learn to compromise, too. For the past fourteen years, we have continued the ebb and flow, give and take that a marriage relationship requires. So, when Alan walked in from the kitchen store fourteen years later with a red wooden pepper mill, I had to laugh.

Now, on our table the red pepper mill and the glass salt shaker have learned to waltz in their own special way. And so have we.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. 1 Corinthians 13:4

“Lord, please strike him with a holy bolt of lightning,” I prayed. “No real damage. Just enough to scorch him a little.”

Okay, so I don’t normally pray for my husband’s ruin, but let me explain what happened.

It was a Friday night when Grace was still four months old. I heard her in the monitor and tapped my husband, mumbling something like, “Grshisup.” He stumbled from the bed and down the hall. I followed to make him a bottle and then flopped back in bed. Minutes later, my sleep bubble burst when Alan stomped in our room. “You’re going to have to take her. She won’t go back to sleep.”

We had a deal. I would feed Grace on weeknights, and he would take weekends to give me a break.

“Did you rock her?” I muttered.

“Yes.”

For at least five minutes?”

“Yeessss.” His patience thin.

I took the baby from him and returned to her room to rock and pray for patience. And that’s when it happened. It’s possible I could have prayed for a small Holy bolt of lightning to strike my hubby. In my sleep-deprived state, anything was possible.

The next morning wasn’t pretty. There were bags under my eyes and darts in them. I readily flung them at Alan. This same scenario repeated itself the next weekend and the next. By this time, Alan and I could hardly stand to look at each other, let alone sleep in the same bed.

Both of us were getting up every night, one to fix a bottle and the other to feed. No one was rested. Alan was a zombie going to work, and I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t handle the weekend feedings.

Finally, we agreed to each handle all the baby responsibilities on our given night, so the other could rest. Did we kiss and make up? Yes, but more importantly I stopped the midnight prayers for lightning. ‘Cause you know – love is patient and all that.

Lord, help me to recognize my husband as a gift and treat him that way. Let me realize that lack of sleep can cause unnecessary arguments. Help me to love my spouse in a way that illustrates patience and kindness. And thank you for not striking me with the bolt, instead. Amen.

My husband drove a burgundy Saturn in the early days of our marriage. And it stunk. For a male, a little stink in a car is like a trophy. What guy wants his wheels to smell of strawberries and roses?

But over time, the smell was more than he could bear. He tried scented pine trees fresheners. When that didn’t work, he put oil of wintergreen on cotton balls under the seats.

No matter how he tried to mask the terrible odor, it remained. When co-workers suggested lunch outings, Alan cringed at the thought of shuttling friends in the stink-mobile, and rolled down the windows to blow the stench away.

One afternoon, my husband stopped to pick up some groceries. When he opened the trunk, he found the source of the offensive aroma – the trash.

As newlyweds, Alan and I lived in an apartment. We had to drive our trash to the receptacles in the front of the complex. Most of the time, my hubby would balance the garbage on the back of the car on the way to the dumpsters. But one day, for whatever reason, he put the trash in the trunk and left it there – for almost three weeks.

When we hide grievances in our marriage, it has the same effect. Out of sight, out of mind may apply at first, but eventually hidden trash will create a rotten attitude. The longer it festers, the worse the smell.

When your husband spoke harshly to you in front of the kids or your wife brushed you off when you shared your needs with her, your feelings were trampled. It’s okay to overlook small misdeeds, but when dealing with an item you can’t resolve, speak up. Your relationship will be better for it.

Don’t allow lingering garbage to create a state of perpetual stink in your marriage. Air out your differences. Get rid of your sour thoughts. It’s as easy as taking out the trash.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5 NIV

Imagine. You walk down the stairs for a coveted date night with the man of your life after spending hours choosing just the right outfit to disguise your left over baby weight. You’ve spent extra time putting on your “face,” even taking the time to Google some make-up tips and tricks. With your smoky nighttime eyes, you walk past your man looking down at your freshly painted toes, hoping he’ll notice your lids.

You twirl, pretending to look at the television, giving him a view of you from all angles. “Hey,” he begins, and you hold your breath –

“You’re standing in front of the TV!”

Yep! I’ve been there, too.

But, hang on. There’s a new doll on the market – Sweet Talkin’ Ken. His box reads, “You make me talk!” Record a five second message in your voice, and it plays back sounding like Ken. According to Mattel, he’s the ultimate boyfriend.

For $19.99 you can have your very own sweet talker and let Ken say, “You need a break. Let me rub your feet.” “Wow. I didn’t know you could get any more beautiful.” And “Have you lost weight?” (at least until the battery runs out).

But is that what you really want?

Ken may repeat what you say, but can he actually rub your feet or surprise you with your favorite chocolate from the grocery store? And do you want your sweet talker to only say the things you create?

I’m guilty of wanting to change my husband to be softer, more talkative, more romantic, more aware of when I’m wearing a new outfit, more…like me. But if I were completely successful – he would be me.

I don’t want to be married to me!

Our differences not only make us stronger, they are the very things that attracted us to each other in the first place.

Ladies, I’ll admit I’ve wished I could program my husband a time or two. But when it comes down to it. I’m thankful I can’t. I’m blessed to have my man just the way God made him. God made men and women different for a reason. We complement each other. This complement has nothing to do with phrases of praise (compliment); it means we balance each other.

If you want to hear, “Honey you look marvelous!” in a deep electronic voice, buy the Sweet Talkin’ Ken. But I think I’ll take my $19.99 and take my charming spouse and our three darling kids to McDonald’s. Trust me. It’s a better return for my investment.

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. Romans 12:3-6 NIV

As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. Proverbs 26:21 NIV

“I can’t find the thing,” I spat into the phone.

“Which thing?” my husband questioned me.

“The thing. The thing! The thing that tightens the car seat!” My patience thin, I shouted into the phone while my husband tried to explain how to install my daughter’s car seat.

I hunched in the back of the van, stepping on toys and castaway cereal, heat dripping down my face, trying for the life of me to find the magical tightening strap for baby Grace’s seat. The temperature outside was ninety-eight. I was sure it was ten degrees hotter in my vehicle.

Later that afternoon when my husband came home, an apology was necessary for my short temper and blistering tongue. “It’s okay,” he told me as he kissed my forehead, “I knew you were just hot.”

Heat is one of my trigger factors.

When tempers quickly flare in any relationship, trigger factors are often the reason. They are outside influences that can affect our temperament and lead to conflict. Trigger factors vary for each person. Mine are heat and clutter. One of my husband’s is hunger. If he is hungry, he will often snap at me for no good reason. He isn’t actually mad at me; he just has a hard time controlling his emotions on an empty stomach.

Think of a match. At first strike, it flares and fizzes, then settles down for a quiet but quick burn. You can do two things before you get scorched.

1. Drop the match and leave it alone; it will sputter out in a hurry. Or
2. Throw the match on something and start an even bigger fire.

When your spouse hits a trigger factor, it’s like those matches. You can drop the issue and choose to overlook some harsh words knowing you aren’t the true cause. Or you can start a rip-roaring fire by focusing on the quick flare.

Identify trigger factors for both you and your spouse. Next time you sense a fight coming on, look for those tricky little nuisances and make a choice. Drop it or start a fire.

Choose wisely.

After our meeting, I made my way over to her. As the mother of four, I knew exactly what she was talking about.

When I went home that afternoon, I emailed this young mom and encouraged her to attend a marriage study that my husband and I will soon be hosting in our home. What I thought were originally tears from an exhausted mother, ended up being much more…

“I would love with all my heart to do this study with my husband and maybe someday we can. But you see, one thing I didn’t tell you today is that he’s not (yet) saved.”

Not the answer I’d expected. My heart hurt for her. But, I was grateful she typed the word “yet”. She still had faith. She was believing God for a miracle. I knew how she felt. I was once the only Christian in my marriage. Thankfully, it was a season of less than a year. I know of many who suffer much longer in a relationship where the Lord dwells in only one spouse. I shared with my new friend, the words of encouragement given to me when I was walking the same road. The verse I shared with her was this…

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. –1Peter 3:1-2 NLT

I went on to encourage her more in the email:

“And if I can share just one more thing with you…don’t talk to your husband about Jesus, show him Jesus. Remember, Jesus loved and served the undeserving. On those days you want to scream or cry, or throw in the towel, or throw the towel at your husband (something I’d want to do), ask Him to give you the strength to get through one more minute, one more hour, one more day. He will. He is the one true and living God, and He lives and dwells inside of you. When you call on Him for help, stand back, because girlfriend, He will help.”

Friends, if you feel like you are standing on solid ground alone, reach out for Him. He is there. And remember, He desires to live inside your husband more than you will ever know. Release your worries, anger, frustrations, disbelief, and impatience to the One who can bear it. Then show your husband the merciful, grace-filled love of Jesus Christ.

Lord, I pray for each woman hurting today without a spouse to share in the saving grace of your son Jesus Christ. I ask that you would dry their tears and fill their hearts to overflowing. Remind them of the days when they too walked alone and ignorant of your love. Place Godly people in the path of their loved one so that they will feel their burden to guide their loved ones into the Kingdom lightened. Remind them Holy Spirit, that only you can turn hearts toward Christ. Remind them it is your work alone, and that you are working even now as they read these words.

The part that is true in that statement is that God never changes.

Malachi 3:6 says
“I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed.”

All of the circumstances and people around us change . . . our jobs, our kids, our world and even our spiritual walk at times. Just yesterday I found out that my job of four years is not the direction that I need to be heading. God has redirected my path to a new career and honestly I am scared to death.

The Lord is definitely not in the business of leaving us comfortable and independent. He wants us to be totally dependent on Him and why wouldn’t we want to be? His will is perfect. He and His will really are the only things in life that are perfect and unchanging. He is the only one that we can truly count on. But God and His purpose remains the same. God never changes. His mood does not change with the wind (like mine). We never have to wonder what He thinks about things or people. He is always loving and compassionate!

So, since we serve an unchanging God, guess who has to change? Yes, we have to be the ones to change. Jesus speaks in Matthew 18:3

I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

The reason we have to change is so that we can enter the Kingdom of Heaven, as well as, become conformed to His perfect image. He has to use our circumstances to make us more like Him. (Romans 8:29)

So the next time I am frustrated with my husband, I am going to try to remember, there’s hope, the only one who can stay the same is God. May our unchanging God, whom we serve, bless your life today.